And Never Cease Gushing   12 comments

The year Virginia died, a part of me went with her.

This is about neither Wine nor Food.  This moment is about the things that really sustain us– Love and Remembrance. 

I guess being here in Manila brought her to mind.  A Philippina– she was beautiful in the way that her eyes spilled out waterfalls of laughter.  Married with a daughter the same age as my own, she was a supportive voice in some of my dark hours at the Cosmodemonic Fortune 500 company.  And she mercilessly teased me after I met Ms. R and had decided to end the tangled relationship I had with another woman.  

In his Rosy Crucifixion Trilogy, Henry Miller explores three different types of love in each of the three books– Sexus, Nexus & Plexus– Erotic, Platonic & Spiritual, respectively.  I had Nexus Love for Ginny, and then she was gone, consumed by cancer at the age of 40.  I had incorrectly assumed that she would beat this thing the way other people I know had done.

After she got ill, I visited her at her home.  We sat together and talked about nothing I remember, except that she asked me to make her a cake plate in my ceramics studio.  A project I never managed to get off the ground.  And then she was gone. 

That was almost 12 years ago and I still think of that trifle of a shortcoming. 

Certainly she and her family wanted privacy in those last days of her life.  But still I feel I could have done more for her in her final days and once she left us, on Thanksgiving Day in 2001, the universe shifted for those of us who were connected to her.  A voice that had filled our lives was gone and with that our own sense of Mortality became very real. 

How can we speak about a premature death and make sense of it?  

In these quiet moments before I leave Manila, I am pondering the physical and psychic space that I take up in the universe.  Not so much what is to come, but more where have I been.  This is not about the meaning of life or destiny.  I am not so prescient as to know what ultimately my real role is in the world.  Plus, I have a deep suspicion of people who tell me they know why they are here.  Usually it’s the religious types, those who are ferried along by faith who are the quickest to make such claims.  Because they have a PURPOSE.  And by religious, I don’t mean spiritual.  But that is a topic for another time. 

So, what do I make of the space I have taken up here till now?  In my best moments, I have made people laugh.  But I have also made them cry.  Not because I intended to hurt– it just sort of happened because of my own inattentiveness, selfishness or stupidity.  And seeing this I resolve to avoid those situations– but sometimes things do just happen and situations overtake us resulting in hurt.

In the end, Virginia taught us that we must move on with the Living that lies before us no matter how much time remains. 

Love comes in so many forms as Mssr. Miller so aptly captured in Nexus:

“What I really hoped for, no doubt, was to come upon one of those lives which begin nowhere, which lead us through marshes and salt flats, trickling away, seemingly without plan, purpose or goal, and suddenly emerge, gushing like geysers, and never cease gushing, even in death.”


I came across that gushing quality in her.  And here, in the country of her birth, I feel that she is gushing still.  And me, I continue to aspire to be a gusher.  If there is a PURPOSE to aspire to– then that must be it.

Posted May 4, 2012 by Sybarite Sauvage in Food-Wine-Love

12 responses to “And Never Cease Gushing

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  1. Beautiful words….beautiful piece of writing as always.

    Strange how I was thinking about my best friend (we were like twin sisters) a few hours ago….I often think about her but for some reason, it was extra reminiscing for me. She left this world almost 17 years ago at a very young age of 26 due to a vehicular accident. It is still hard for me sometimes to get over the fact that I was never able to say goodbye. Gosh, we were supposed to have dinner that night….she never came….

    I still get emotional when I think about her ….

    Razel Rull-Navarro
    • Razel,

      I think that you must be a Gusher as well.

      One thing that I should have mentioned is that while she took a piece of me with her, I carry a piece of her within me. The power of remembrance and the example of the lives lived by these loved ones make us stronger till the moment comes when we ourselves must make the leap.

      But not for a LONG while, OK?

      Thank you for sharing your experience. Maybe it’s better that we not get to say goodbye, this way we can always have them with us.

      • That’s very true… she was and still is a very special part of me. I don’t have a sister, grew up with two younger brothers and two boy cousins… when I met her at university, it was like I found a twin soul 🙂

        Razel Rull-Navarro
  2. Since you are here and I am here, your reflection becomes mine.
    Thanks for daring to be real and giving the moment a spark, like a star in the heavens.
    Reminds me of Roberto’s end in “For Whom the Bell Tolls”.

  3. There you are– always with an interesting insight.

    Thank you for continuing to check in on my ramblings…

  4. What a moving post! It resonated with me, as over the last couple of years I have lost two people that I was very close to, and another two acquintances that were several years younger than me (I am in my late 30’s). So, for the first time, I started thinking about mortality and our purpose for being here; pretty unsettling thoughts.

  5. Almost forgot: a “cosmodemonic” company is another Miller reference, isn’t it? Sounds like you are a big fan? I really should be much better acquainted with his work…

    • Yes, that is another Henry M. reference. He worked for the Cosmodemonic Telegraph Company. I have adopted this wonderful word and tied it around the necks of a couple of companies that I worked for over the years. Anyway, I have been re-reading some of his stuff in my down time on this trip to Asia. I thought that given his uniquely American voice, that he would be good company for me when I needed a fix of good ole American English. He has been. And I find his work to be thought provoking– not bad for a guy whose books were at one point banned as pornography in the US, right?

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